March 15, 2013
My Dearest Baby Hendrix,
As the clock
strikes twelve on March 15, 2013, I look at you with tears in my eyes, and
greatfulness in my heart. Finally, it’s your first birthday my son! Words cannot
express how happy I am. I’ve longed prayed for and waited for this day, and
several times I feared that it will never happen. I look at you now very at
peace while you sleep when exactly a year ago I am not even sure if I will have
the chance to see you. I still remember so vividly when you came out, I did not
get the chance to hold you or even look at you because you have to be
immediately taken to NICU. But I heard you cry; a loud one, which seems to tell me “Mommy, I’m gonna be
fine. I’ll see you soon.” The next few days was a daze with regular updates
from your doctors; all of them asking us to pray hard. The next few days I
pushed myself to get better so that I will be able to see you inside NICU. I
was so determined to be with you but Dad wanted me to wait. I could not
understand and I found it unfair for he can see you everyday and talk to you
while I’m only allowed to see you by the window in which the view is not very
near. Dad tried to delay me seeing you but when the day came when he could not
stop me anymore, I excitedly walked inside NICU for the first time eager to see you.
And when I saw you, that was when I knew why Dad wanted me to be strong enough
for our first meeting. He knew my mother’s heart will melt. You were so small;
tiny and very fragile, and with tubes and line on your arms, legs and mouth, Your
hand can barely hold my thumb. I was heartbroken. That was not what I intend
for you to be on your first few days of life. My tears shed and I whispered to
you how sorry I am. I closed my eyes several times hoping to realize that I was
just in a dream. But when I opened my eyes, I am still in NICU and you are
still there inside the incubator surrounded by machines. On my way out, your
doctor, Dra. Uy, consoled us and said that you’re fighting to survive and
that’s what you’ve done the past 365 days; fight your way to reach this day.
After 3.5 months in NICU, 3 hospitalizations thereafter, two of which are
in PICU, I am so proud and thankful of how you’ve fought your way thru life. You
are our miracle baby, a living proof that nothing is impossible with prayer. For
the past year, Dad and I remember March 15 as a day of uncertainty, worry, and
fear. Today, you change all that. Now we can already see March 15 as a joyous
day; a day of celebration. I pray that it will be a fresh start for you. I know
everyday is not easy for you, anak. With what some babies can do so easily, you
have to work ten times as hard. But I want you to know how proud I am of you.
It was a roller coaster ride the past year with some ups and and several downs
but I can see how hard you are trying to keep up with everything. I wish I can
make things easier and simple for you, my son. I may not show it to you but my
heart breaks whenever you're having a hard time eating or when you cry
because you’re having a hard time in therapy. But please know that everything
that we are doing now, all these therapy and weekly doctors' appointments are
for your own good. It is not every day that I am a strong mom. There are times
that I get weak, both emotionally and spiritually, especially when I see you having
a hard time. Several times I almost asked God why He is allowing you to go
through so much difficulty. But everytime I reach that point, there will be
reminders of your past; an urge to look at your photos on your first day of life,
a sudden message from someone telling me to hang on or just you smiling or laughing while looking at me; these things I believe are
God’s way of reminding me of how far you’ve come. God could’ve taken you from
us on several occasions, but He did not. He allowed you to survive, and with
that I must trust in His grand plan for you. I know I have no right to question
God because He gave me what I beg from Him upon your birth, and that is for you
to be with us. I know that God entrusted you to us because He knows that we can
take care of you, and that is what Dad and I intends to do for the rest of our
lives.
Hendrix, on your
first birthday, Dad and I only have the highest hopes and dreams for you. My
constant prayer is for you to be always healthy and happy. Dad and I promise
that we will give you the best quality
of life possible for you . May God continue to give you strength especially now that we are
catching up on what might have still be developed during the 3 more months that
you should’ve been inside my tummy. I also hope that by the time you are old
enough to understand everything that is going around you, we’re all ready past
all the therapy and constant doctors appointments. I want you to look forward to
weekends as family time; wherein you, Dad, Kuya and I are going places
having a good time. Hendrix, I pray that one day you will be able to read this
and know just how much we love you and how thankful we are that you here with
us now. We are past the “one day a time” period. Now, we are taking it one year
at time. We have one major hurdle this year but im hopeful that you will be
able to get through it. Thank you for being so strong and so brave. You may not
say it but I know you love us too by the way you look at us. Happy, happy first
birthday my son. Always know that there are so many of us who loves you and who
is inspired by you. We will forever be proud of you my baby bunso. I love you
so much.
Mommy
